Holistic Forge Works

Edition No. 718, FTPI Archive


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#718 How to Burn Your Mouth without Really Trying - 2006/02/21 11:32 PM

Flying Turtle Post Intelligencer Picture of Interest At Holistic Forge Works, we get garbage bags full of mail asking modern-day living questions such as: "How do I get my mouth nice and blistered for the big game?" or "If burning your mouth is stupid then can somebody call me an ass taxi?" Well Boris, you can put down that stamp because we have the all answers you couldn't find in a church! First things first, you want a burned mouth? You're going to need some good naval steam or some decent hot water-not that wimpy stuff you get from the tap in anytown, USA. We're talking paint-stripping hot too soldering iron hot. Next you're going to need some flavor which makes burning your mouth all the more pleasant (for our experiment we chose to mix our heated water with chai tea flavoring). Now comes the fun part--implementation of a deceptive stratagem or device to bypass your body's natural instincts of self preservation; in fact you're actually going to use these instincts to get the right kind of mouth burn you've only dreamed about. Place said hot water in a cup in proximate location to a thermally charged meatball submarine sandwich. Bite a piece off the sandwich. You'll notice that the sandwich acts as a booster-burner... your body's reaction to quench the burning food by downing the nearest filled cup substance that so happens to be our extremely hot hydrogen-dioxide.

Try this method out for yourself! Benefits include, but are not limited to: physical alterations to your sense of taste/smell, swelled tongue barnacles, peeling-itchy gums, fleshy inner cheek tags and impassioned make-out sessions.

MEANWHILE: Holistic Forge Works is pleased to announce an addition to our computer fleet with the acquisition of HFWVACmobile, a brand new shiny laptop.

IN OTHER NEWS: Would you or anybody you know like to own a vintage IBM Thinkpad 760el? Also, special thanks to Rick and Delores Anderson for the most excellent President's Day weekend getaway with the Mitchell Family (we missed ya mom!). Thus concludes another Flying Turtle Post Intelligencer Weekly Update

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FormatProduct Identification(s)
Audio = The Dresden Dolls (Musical Group)
Video = Dark Man III: Die Darkman Die (1996)
Print = Rendering in Pen and Ink :: GUPTILL, ARTHUR
Status = the crew is happy